I entered the porn industry with my husband because it seemed like an easy way to make money. I had already worked as a stripper, and in my ignorance thought that porn might be a “s tep up” from stripping. By this time, my husband's porn addiction was at an all-time high. I had watched numerous videos with him, but even so, I knew nothing about the reality behind porn. All I knew was what I saw in the videos, which was not an accurate representation of what actually takes place. My time in the porn industry was a nightmare. My husband was my manager, and I was the “product.” I spent my porn career in a total daze, putting on this act of being sexy and together when in actuality, on the inside, I was broken and crying.

After 6 months of making hardcore videos and selling my body, I had had enough. Even so, the scars left by my time in the industry lasted many years. I was admitted to the psych ward, binged on methamphetamines and marijuana, cut myself, and basically tried to cope with the deep feelings of self-hatred and depression. My marriage soon ended, and I spent the successive years trying to piece my life back together and forget about my past. I continued on in the party lifestyle, trying to fill the emptiness and numb the pain of my past.

I cannot remember the exact day I gave my life back to Jesus. All I know is that, in the midst of my darkness, the light of Christ broke through, and after so many years of trying to run from Him, He drew me back to Himself. He took away the urge to drug and began the healing process in me, which I had tried and failed at so many times.

For so many years, I hated the person I was, and pornography was the apex of this. God showed me that I was not that worthless “nothing” whom I thought myself to be, but a beloved child of His – forgiven and renewed. No longer was I that used-up ex-pornstar forced to live in shame and regret, but that I was a new creation in Christ-- old things have passed away, and all things are new.

Christ breathed new life into me, brought me into a wonderful fellowship, and put me in touch with Shelley Lubben, a wonderful friend who has also survived the porn industry, and reaches out to others who also want to break free. Shortly thereafter the Pink Cross Foundation was formed, and God has allowed me to be a part of this beautiful work of His, reaching out to women trapped in porn, sharing my own testimony, and exposing the truth behind this damaging and degrading industry.

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